Listen up, darlings—Ms. Rizzlerina is here to dish out a little springtime drama that has absolutely nothing to do with the Kardashians, for once. No red carpet, no cryptic Instagram breakup posts… but trust me, this one’s still got legs. Six legs, to be exact. And wings. Sparkly wings. And the nerve to try to take over our gardens like it’s auditioning for a reality show called “Pests with Power.” Yes, I’m talking about the Spotted Lanternfly—Mother Nature’s prettiest little nightmare.
Now, I don’t like to squash anyone’s vibe—unless, of course, it involves literally squashing something. And babes, it’s squashing time. These pastel-painted pests have officially made their flashy return, just in time for hot girl spring. So slide out of those Louboutins, pop a nail-friendly glove on, and get ready to SMUSH—with feeling.
Let’s get the facts sparkly and straight: the Spotted Lanternfly may look like it just fluttered off Lana Del Rey’s last album cover—those lacy red wings, those sultry spots—but do not let the cuteness fool you. This invasive diva is wreaking havoc across trees, vineyards, and yes, even your beloved backyard rose bush. She doesn’t sip tea, darling—she sips the life right out of our plants.
And here’s where the real scandal hits: scientists and experts (the real ones, not the TikTok astrologers) are BEGGING us to become backyard bounty hunters. No hazmat suit necessary—just a righteous stomp and a little sass. Catch one? Smush it. See a cluster of eggs? Scrape it like your ex’s pictures off your phone after a breakup. Feeling guilty? Don’t. This is the one time society is fully behind your inner villain arc.
They hatch in spring, get wild all summer, and keep you cursing into early fall. No one invited them to the party, but they showed up in sequins and started drinking everyone else’s champagne. That’s the energy we’re dealing with. And honey, I will not let a bug out-glam me AND destroy my peonies.
So how do we fight back? Easy, sparkle squad:
– Spot eggs on a tree or wall? They look like gray mud splatters—ew, but smush ‘em.
– Catch one crawling up your tree like it’s in a telenovela? SMACK. Yes, darling, it’s a full-on telenovela now and you just delivered the plot twist.
– Know someone who says “they’re too pretty to kill”? Educate them, gently but glamorously. Maybe offer them a glass of prosecco while you show them the receipts—i.e., the extensive photo evidence of destroyed orchards and crops. Drama, darling.
We are the defenders of spring brunches, garden aesthetics, Instagrammable sunsets—and that includes being defenders against this winged menace. So grab your iced coffee, your cutest gardening gloves, and that fierce BDE attitude. This spring, we’re not just taking selfies in the lavender fields—we’re taking down lanternflies one stomp at a time.
And remember: if you don’t smush them, who will? Let’s keep our gardens gorgeous, our trees thriving, and our air free of unwanted drama (at least the insect kind—we’ll always have celeb chaos, don’t worry).
Stay fabulous, stay fierce, and STOMP with style.
Ms. Rizzlerina 💋🐞✨