Yo future freaks and digital dreamers—strap in, because today’s tale of chaos involves a teenage rocket scientist, a carjacking, and yes, a guy called “Big Balls.” Not a Bond villain. Not a crypto meme. But Edward “Big Balls” Coristine himself—former Neuralink intern, DOGE wunderkind, and cost-cutting czar in the Trump administration’s famously ruthless Department of Government Efficiency.
Now, before your neural implants start overheating from curiosity—yes, that DOGE. No, not the Dogecoin one (although BB was allegedly bullish on it in a 3 a.m. tweetstorm from 2022). I’m talking about the Department of Government Efficiency. Born in the fires of political controversy and Elon-esque cost-slicing intuition, DOGE burned bright and infamously weird.
But flash forward to today’s breaking byte: Coristine, just 19 years old and fresh from building quantum-ledgers for NASA’s Martian trade network—or maybe just finishing a stint reverse-engineering bureaucratic waste—found himself at the center of a ground-level, low-tech fiasco: an old-fashioned, meatspace carjacking.
And the alleged culprits? Two fifteen-year-olds.
Now, I’m not usually one for nostalgia, but there’s something deeply poetic about digital prodigies being yanked back to Earth by analog anarchy. Reports say Coristine was walking to his custom-upgraded CyberTaco™ (it’s not available to the public yet, don’t even look it up), when he was allegedly jumped by two teens. The attackers were reportedly unarmed—which, let’s be honest, at least shows some restraint in a world gone full GTA6.
Police say the teens tried to drive away and ended up in a very un-Hollywood, slow-moving turn radius before ditching the vehicle entirely. GPS recovered it two blocks away. Yep—great minds at work.
To be clear, Edward “Big Balls” Coristine is largely unharmed, save for a bruised ego and possibly some temporary damage to his zero-G phobic optics headset. Sources say he was “calm and calculating” during the ordeal, even offering the attackers a crash course in decentralized surveillance, which honestly feels exactly on brand.
Let’s pause for a sec and consider this absurdity with our neural-laced goggles on. You’ve got a teenage former Neuralink coder and interagency efficiency strategist—someone who once claimed he could slash Pentagon coffee expenditures by 82% using AI-caffeinated blockchain logistics—getting carjacked by kids probably too young to even use Threads.
It’s almost poetic—like the universe glitching out of its metaverse beta stage.
But here’s the kicker: when reached for comment via Neuralink-encoded TikTok hologram, Coristine simply said, “Efficiency is about streamlining chaos. Sometimes the algorithm learns through adversity.” Then he winked, and the hologram closed with a looped meme of a dinosaur riding a Segway into a laser rainbow.
I mean—same.
As for the attackers, they’d do well to learn that when trying to jack the ride of an AI prodigy known as “Big Balls,” you might be biting into a burrito that’s wrapped in quantum encryption.
So what’s the moral, fam? Maybe it’s that no amount of tech genius shields you from a good old-fashioned human moment. Or maybe—it’s that the frontier of the future still has potholes in the present. And sometimes it takes a low-speed carjacking to remind us: we can digitize the cosmos, but we’re still walking down the street one step at a time.
Stay weird, stay wired, and stay watching the skies.
Time to hack the future, fam.
– Mr. 69
