STOP THE PRAYERS, WE GOT WI-FI IN HEAVEN NOW! Pope Leo just canonized Carlo Acutis, a teenage millennial saint armed not with a sword but with broadband. Dubbed “God’s Influencer,” the kid used his laptop like the Ark of the Covenant with a data plan. Picture this: Catholic teachings hitting inboxes faster than spam emails, all while Judas is in Hell muttering, “Bro, all I needed was a Squarespace account.” The Vatican just rebranded sainthood with Gen Z flair, Saint Carlo, Patron of Fiber Optics and Google Docs.
This ain’t your grandma’s religion, it’s the Church going digital-first.
🙏 The Holy Highlights:
• Carlo Acutis becomes the first millennial saint.
• Nicknamed “God’s Influencer” for his online evangelism.
• Laptop = modern-day relic with Wi-Fi miracles.
• Sainthood as a Vatican rebrand strategy.
• Don’t be shocked when Jesus goes live on Twitch.
The game’s on, and the Church just recruited a digital quarterback. Religion’s trending, hope your soul’s on unlimited data.
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