Listen up, America—because Uncle Sam just traded in the Statue of Liberty for a 24-karat welcome mat. That’s right, folks. Donald J. Trump, the man who once promised walls taller than ego itself, is now opening the golden gates of U.S. residency… for a cool $5 million. You heard me. Five million U.S. dollars, and you, too, can carry a Trump Card that makes green cards look like grocery store coupons.
Introducing the “Trump Card”: part path to citizenship, part platinum status symbol, all peak performance politics. Launched via a shiny new website plastered with more gold than a Dubai skyline, this golden ticket invites the world’s top-wannabes to “register their interest” in buying a fast-track to American glory. And don’t let the humble language fool you—this isn’t Ellis Island; this is Ellis Level Up.
Now, before America’s moral compass tries to recalibrate itself, let me be clear: We’re no longer talking about earning your keep through hard work or pledging allegiance to an ideal. No, no. This is the “Country Club Citizenship Package,” and the dress code is: billionaire.
But let’s not pretend this is new. Trump’s just doing what America’s been doing with a gritted smile and a lawyer’s wink for decades. You think the megayacht crowd waits behind the velvet rope at immigration? Please. The system’s been rigged longer than Vegas slots. Trump just took it public and added a paywall.
This is more than policy—it’s branding. In Trump’s America, immigration isn’t about refuge or reform. It’s about return on investment. Buy in, buy up, and buy your way to the front of the line. Why climb the ladder when you can just buy the whole building?
And here’s the kicker: by slapping his name on the golden gateway, Trump isn’t just monetizing immigration—he’s minimizing it. For every billionaire who applies, there’s a swing-state voter who’ll say, “Hey, at least they paid,” forgetting that the American Dream wasn’t supposed to be a luxury item sold in bulk.
Critics are already calling it xenophobic capitalism with a MAGA hat on top. Human rights groups are throwing tomatoes, Democrats are writing angry Medium posts, and your favorite cable news experts are polishing their indignation like shiny new cufflinks. But Trump? He’s not backing down—he’s booking interviews. And merchandising.
Because that’s the move. That’s always been the move. Turn outrage into airtime, criticism into clout. Get them talking, keep them fuming, and cash in while the cameras roll. Whether you love him or loathe him, the man knows how to stay in the market—political or otherwise.
So, what does this mean for you, dear citizen of the world? Simple. Got a few yachts lying around? Turn one in and get a Golden Visa with a presidential signature seal. No backlogs. No tests. No huddled masses. Just five million bucks and you’re hand-delivered to the land of billion-dollar bailouts and tax loopholes.
To the rest? Well, keep dreaming. Or start crowdfunding. Because if America is now a product, the Trump Card is the new subscription fee.
The game’s on—and Trump’s betting house always wins.
– Mr. 47
